the sound of crying
December 01, 2002 Sunday - 01:35
i've noticed you around
she looks at the pictures stuck up on the wall. they're pretty. she knows she will never be anything like that.
she likes the one near the corner. a guy from a telephone advertisement. it's a guy she has never met. she thinks he's cute. she wants to marry him. she will never meet him.
the pictures are not just pictures of people. they are pictures of lives. each photograph that looks out at her has a story behind it. she wants to know the stories. the guy that she likes, she thinks he's british. maybe he went to grammar school, and then went to a nice university in london. maybe he left without graduating and became a model. partying and all that stuff.
the one under it, is an african kid. she wonders what pain his innocent eyes have seen. she touches the picture gently, knowing this child is stronger than she ever will be. she thinks it unfair that he should have such a terrible life. there, but for the grace of God, go i, she thinks.
there's one on the right, it's a dolphin. her best friend gave it to her when she was feeling down. she doesn't see the dolphin in it; she sees the love of the friend. she cries a little, inside, because she loves her friend so much too but doesn't know how to show it. she knows she hurts her friend.
on the opposite wall is a mirror. she looks in it. stands close and stares into her own eyes. she knows this story but dares not tell it.
she steps back, so that she can see the reflections of all the pictures. her fingers run over the mirror, feeling the coldness where she sees flesh. she doesn't know why, but she feels a little sad. she feels alone.
she knows these people are not real. they exist to her only in her mind. yet she knows that their paper eyes hate her. she feels their silent reproach. they demand of her, what have you done with your life?
they make her feel a waste.
she doesn't know what to do or how to answer. she feels a little sad. she feels very sad. she doesn't know why. do any of you feel like this too, she asks. she just feels sad. slowly she sits down on the floor. all she wants is someone to touch her. actually she doesn't know what she wants. she feels very small and very very alone.
she thinks of the lives of the people in the pictures. and hurts for the hurt they must have felt. she doesn't want anyone to hurt. it is not a nice feeling.
she's scared. she doesn't know what the future will be like. she doesn't know if she'll be able to deal with whatever she will face. she has dreams but she's afraid of believing in them.
she's very very alone. and she doesn't know. what's the point?