watching through a broken mirror
January 28, 2002 Monday - 21:14
that (page) just has to be the largest collection of useless online personality test thingies.
i kind of sprained my ankle recently. that really sucks, cos i can't go running, and that means i won't lose weight. just when i was feeling like i was on a roll.
*sigh*. back to square one.
it sucks. i hate it, not just being unable to exercise, but also that i've been eating more. why? WHY? why can't i control myself? am i that useless? it's such an awful feeling, to know that all the effort - all that months and months of effort and pain and suffering - i've put into my body is being wasted by such excesses. useless pig.
but at least i have laxatives. i haven't used them for a while because.. well.. it sucks too, and anyway i've been quite good.. but i guess if i'm stuffing myself i have to face the consequences.
i'm struck by the sweetness of the relationship between two guys i know. it's awful to be gay. yet they managed to create their own niche of comfort within each other, and i think that's incredibly sweet.
i wish i were one of them.. because they have obviously come to terms with their own sexuality, and don't accede to the same religious convictions i do. i would never be gay, but still, i wish i were free from the restrictions that prevent me from loving one like myself.
i guess it's like vicarious eating. i've never believed in that, but i realised today that by watching my classmates eat - though i am not satisfied - i have had an olfactory experience all that same. perhaps in a similar way, i can experience the beauty of a homosexual relationship.
it sounds so perverse, somehow, analysing it like that. at the end of the day, i think it's just... so, so sweet.
doesn't hurt to dream, does it? because it's something i will never be.
(some days it feels as if thin is something i will never be.)
i feel so terrible.. so guilty.. so pissed off with myself.
but what else is new?