March 10, 2002 Sunday - 17:19
i believe in God. i believe in His love. in His perfection. in Him. i believe in His plan for me.
my body is "a living sacrifice for God." i am worth more to Him then the hunger in my stomach. i mean more to Him than anything i could ever stop myself from eating. i have been looking for perfection in all the wrong places; i have ignore Him.
when i ache with starvation, i hurt Him, who loves me more than i could ever imagine.
i love my Lord. i want to obey Him.
it will be difficult. i am losing something of myself. i am getting lost and it feels like there is nobody to find me. like i am searching for something i cannot name, cannot understand, and cannot touch. i feel so alone, without this to numb me from life. i feel afraid, terrified. there is an emptiness in my heart that is so much deeper and more painful than the emptiness in my belly ever was. and it is only the beginning.
but through it all, God will be with me. even when i don't feel Him. because He loves me. i believe in Him.