in the sunset glow

October 21, 2008 tuesday - 00:47

i miss the way i used to feel. somehow i'm no longer sad. not in a way which is devastating, debilitating or dehumanising.. i'm just coasting along in mild numbness. mild misery. apathy. even the constant loneliness has dulled and become something i am used to.

i used to cry so hard that i wanted to pull out my heart just to stop it from hurting so badly. i used to spend the night wracked with pain, such that in the morning the dawn pulls at my skin.

i miss having a frame of reference, i miss absolutes, i miss knowing what was wrong or right or good or bad or happy or sad. now, everything is relative.

and i'm no longer sad. i'm a little blue, perhaps, but not sad. i'm pragmatic. rational. no matter what happens in my life, no matter what i do on weekends, or whether i sleep 7 hours tonight or only 3, the show will go on. morning will come and with it, responsibilities, professionalism, an image to upkeep.

things aren't the same any more. i've given up my freedom. but in return, i've been set free from the sadness.

now, i can do anything.

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