put some flowrs on Algernons grave

December 04, 2002 Wednesday - 01:10

i feel like such an *ugly* person. every thing around me is like a slap to my face. telling me how i don't deserve to be loved so much. and how i've taken my life for granted. and how i am so blessed but i don't appreciate it. sometimes the way i see my mum love me makes me want to cry. she sacrifices so much for me; her time, her energy, her feelings. she buys me whatever i want and gives me everything i desire.

will i ever be a truly giving person, like her? i want so badly to help people. i want to do something to raise the quality of life in the LLDCs. yet.. i'm too spoilt. i don't want to give up all these nice things i have. i want a lucrative job. i want to be rich. which is what is stopping me from working in sub-saharan africa or some other place like that.

i study geog and econs. and i learn so much about the unfairness of life. it is only by God's grace that i have been born in singapore, that i have had a comfortable life, that i have loving parents, that i am doing well in school (though that last point is dubious). i learn about income disparities and pollution and congestion and stress and the 'culture of poverty' and hardship in other countries. and i feel sorry for these people. their lives haunt me.

but that is all. i just feel sorry. i don't do anything to help. i don't dare. i don't want to.

i wish someone would take me and hurt me really badly, cos i truly deserve it. i feel so disgusted with myself. i don't deserve these things that i have.

and i say i am a Christian, but what sort of Christian am i? i don't turn to God for guidance. i don't trust Him enough. He has become only a part of the background of my life. i've hurt Him so much. but i know He will always forgive me. and i don't deserve it.

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