October 24, 2001 Wednesday - 20:58
i've got this feeling... like i'm waiting... anticipating something... i don't know what. but there's always this eagerness at the back of my mind, an undercurrent of excitement that seems to remind me of some wonderful thing that is going to take place, soon.. when i try to put my finger on it, though, i can't. don't like it. it's like getting your hopes up only to have them dashed.
wonder why i am so tired, always so tired, nowadays.. no drive, nothing.. only the bleakness of lethargy... very, very blah...
but if it is this that is making me lose weight.. then good! i welcome it! somewhere within me there will - must - be the energy to get out of bed, make that next step, keep me going... and lose those pounds!
i doubt it though.
"who lives in a pineapple under the sea?"
i wonder what joy is. somehow all the feeling i have that is positive seems somehow superficial.. i think joy should be that innate happiness that cannot be affected by circumstance. wish i had that.. i believe only God can give it. anything else is shallow and meaningless.
come to think of it, joy has no real function.. no empirical use. even those who are not joyful get work done, live life as best they can... so i don't need joy. right?
nor do i need friends, love, belonging... i need them as much as i need food.
i believe that. i believe it. i believe it. i do. i must believe it.
why then do i sound so.. odd??
aRGhHhh! nevermind that. why philosophise? it doesn't matter.. all that matters is becoming the perfection i can be.