August 18, 2001, Saturday - 23:02

too many things.

too many things to do.

to think.

to feel.

to think.

what the hell am i thinking? i'm not making very much sense. i'm just rambling on and on. pretending all this has meaning, when it doesn't. pretending it isn't crap, pretending it's depressing and melancholy. but it's crap. what's crap? i'm crap! hello, are you listening? i'm crap! crapcrapcrap!!

yeah, and then?

see, that was what i was talking about. that whole 'crap' bit, doesn't it suggest an unravelling of the mind? a sort of crazed frenzy? but i wasn't going nuts, i was sitting here typing away calm as you please.

is this desperation speaking, or just confusion?

i need to lose weight. what, does that make me sound overweight? or anorexic?

what do you think i am?

When you have tidied all things for the night,
And while your thoughts are fading to their sleep,
You'll pause a moment in the late firelight,
Too sorrowful to weep.

The large and gentle furniture has stood
In sympathetic silence all the day
With that old kindness of domestic wood;
Nevertheless the haunted room will say:
"Someone must be away."

The little dog rolls over half awake,
Stretches his paws, yawns, looking up at you,
Wags his tail very slightly for your sake,
That you may feel he is unhappy too.

A distant engine whistles, or the floor
Creaks, or the wandering night-wind bangs a door

Silence is scattered like a broken glass.
The minutes prick their ears and run about,
Then one by one subside again and pass
Sedately in, monotonously out.

You bend your head and wipe away a tear.
Solitude walks one heavy step more near.

- harold munro, 'solitude'


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