smiling in the dappled sunlight
20 02 2002 Wednesday - 22:59
i feel drained.
i miss you. i miss you so much. i don't want to think about you any more. but i don't want to stop thinking about you.
i was singing along to a song and there was the line "i need you". and i almost cried. because i really feel like i need you. i feel like i'm drowning in a black sea of despair, and that you are a life buoy.
but i don't want to take you away from the joy you have worked so hard for. i'm not worth it. and i don't *really* need you to save me, because i am not ready to lose the part of myself that pushes me to lose weight.
and you will never be able to understand that part of me.
but still. i miss you so badly. and i want us to have a beautiful relationship. it hurts. it makes me want to scream, it makes me want to starve. it makes me want to cry. to weep. for the loss of the what-ifs. and for the memories, which are all i have left.
and on this strange back-to-front day, i just want to think of you.
i am tired.
i want to cry, desperately, brokenly. all i've done all day is try to be happy for people. but i don't want to smile when i feel so awful inside. i want to cry on the surface the way i am crying inside.
and i want to eat the cookies my sister is baking!!! argharghargh.