this moment yearning and thoughtful

January 20, 2003 monday - 22:26

i know i am not stupid. i know i am probably very smart, actually. i know that i am able to more than competently handle whatever course of tertiary study my education to date has equipped me for.

but i know also that there is the possibility that i won't.

i hate how this depression makes my abilities uncertain. i know how i respond to stress and work and how often i bring myself to precipices the edges of which border inexplicable blackness. i hate it that somehow, in some way, i will not be able to realise my potential completely. and that i have to aim lower than i want to and set less spectacular goals than i would like. because i know it will be almost impossible to achieve them with this mental instability.

i hate how i have this hope inside of me that i cannot fulfil.

i wish i were normal, and well-balanced, and resolute. i wish i were not limited, imprisoned, by these chains; i wish nothing like this held me back from myself. i wish i did not have to lie in bed crying night after night. i wish i did not react so badly and easily to stress. i wish i did not hurt so strangely and horribly.

i hate that i am different from my friends, that i see blackness where they see light. that they find natural what i struggle to do.

but am i really all that different? can it really be that these people live without feeling that hollow, yearning emptiness tearing at them? the consuming insecurity? how is it that people hide it?

still, i am grateful to the Lord that even with this handicap i have come this far.

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