summer dreaming

October 12, 2006 thursday - 02:46

the days slip by like stones dropping into a pond; a splash, ripples, and then black water closing over it.

i write this here because i know you do not read it.

so this is what it is like to need someone, i realise: it hurts when you are not around. i need you. that's it. simple.

and what you do, have you any idea what it's doing to me?
excuse me, am i causing you trouble?
you make me feel. intensely. red. hurt, anger, pain. anger.
yet i swallow down this anger, i demand nothing, and i see you and i smile, putting on this show just for you. and for the world. because i don't want to cause you trouble. i don't want to cause you anything. i just want to be here, for you to do as you see fit.

i want to be non-threatening. i want to be a canvas, blank, white; here for you to paint your desires upon, to cover with your design.
to do so, i have to ignore what i want. what i crave for. what i need.

need. it is such a powerful word. it demands attention, it is its own justification.
i need you.
but you have needs too, and i am not what you need.

those few weeks remain fixated in my mind. even when i have forgetten what they were like, or what you were like, or what i felt.. i remember what we did.
somehow that's all i want now.
to have that.

to have something.

don't we all crave attention? i need you because you gave that to me. now that i recognise that, it is time for me to leave.

yet.. i can't. i know all this. i know i am addicted to a feeling. i know it is false. i know i could never want you.

yet i do.

You were there for summer dreaming
And you gave me what I need
And I hope you find your freedom
For eternity

- robbie williams, eternity

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