give a good account
July 14, 2003 monday - 10:12
strange, how the days and faces and places can pass by so lightly, but how their memory lingers heavily. like the glass water on that beach in the fog, time can flow and ebb so gently that it is only when it is past that it is noticed.
strange, how i miss everything so much. nothing means anything until it is no more. the small rooms, the common bathrooms, the strange sweet smelly odour.. complaining and whining turns to silent fond memory. just because what was once had is now unattainable. no more. no more. no more. and so i desire. fickle.
and this ends, this holiday that was mixed with sameness and difference. this then is the morning after, when i finally feel something. better a real sense of loss than a slight passing interest in the differently similar street- and country-scapes. and this ends.
with this ending, so too does the long break. no more will such a chance arise in my life. more than half a year of nothing to do, and what have i accomplished? about $3000 in the bank. and lots of clothes. what grandiose dreams we all had, of learning to speak a third fourth fifth language, of learning to paint, of volunteering, of learning to do so many so many so many things. the end. the end.
and yet it is not for nothing, this maudlin way in which i spent the time. i have grown up. i have grown near to God. i have made so many friends; new friends and friends anew. i have learnt so much - just not what i had expected i would learn. and this trip, which i will remember in so many ways. so i think, the time has not been wasted.
copied off a blog belonging to someone i do not know:
i know this Ann. we used to be in the same ballet class. i remember her as not being particularly good (though she wasn't bad either). i remember her (or was it someone else?) getting an astoundingly high distinction on one of the Majors exams. i remember my sister telling me how she danced on pointe for a performance in school.
so this is where she has come to.
and i, who once danced better than her, who learned before she did how to rise off the ground, who loved the music and the movement and the magic, who felt the dance reverbrate throughout my body, where have i come to?
i could have been better than she is now. but i gave it all up - and gained nothing in return.