October 21, 2007 sunday - 20:26
i've been doing everything to distract myself. stalking her gives me a purpose but after a while it doesn't hide the pain anymore. because she's the one he wants.
and the hole begins to open up again.
the truth is, i miss you. i miss the person who used to be nice to me. i miss being the girl you went out for dinner with. i miss the time before you hurt me. i miss thinking that you were a nice person. i miss thinking of you as a nice person.
and i have forgiven you for every wound you've given me, for the blood you've spilled, for the hurt you've caused, for betrayal and cruelty and heartlessness and insensitivity. i've forgiven you for those months when you refused to tell me anything, and those terrible months that followed. i've forgiven you for taking away the happiness i could have had during this last stretch of freedom. i've forgiven you for everything and i will continue to forgive you, because i miss you.
and i need something to distract myself with. i want to stop hurting. i want to stop crying. i want to be strong again like i thought i was.
but i also want you back. every time i think of the past, my heart breaks again. i miss you.
your grace is sufficient for me; your strength is made perfect in my weakness.