back to school
January 08, 2003 Wednesday - 11:03
i still cannot believe it.
went back to school today to see a teacher about SMU application. it's strange how all the teachers seem soooo happy to see us all of a sudden. are they really THAT happy?? just cos we've graduated? are they proud of us, a product of their labour? or are they glad to be reminded of how we're finally out of their hair? haha.
orientation looked stupid, as usual. ha, ha.
it's a pity i didn't get to see the teacher i really wanted to see again. he is maybe the one i respect most, detest most, and owe the most to (or maybe not).
er.. why do i sound like i'm in love with him? eew. yuck. haha.
it was raining. and it was crowded. some tv station was there filming the orientation. WHAt they were filming, i don't know, cos the j1s were just sitting in the hall with their heads down.. like they were praying, or something. so odd. one person i passed asked her friend "are they studying or something?" haha.
it's so strange all of a sudden. the school totally looks the same, is wet in the same spots, even the o-team people in their red and blue shirts looked like the o-team last year. but it was still strange.. i guess it's the people. the muggers in the library were still there, but they're not the same muggers i'm used to. the jaded j2s sitting in the canteen laughing at the orientation-ing people were still there, but they're not the same jaded j2s we were. this teacher was drinking coffee in the same spot he always has, but he wasn't MY teacher any more. it was like entering some parallel world. where everything is the same but different. i felt like *i* should be the one having orientation because i was so disoriented.
i guess rj really is the cold place people say it is. i went in a stranger from a rival school family. i had my share of the two years, and i had fun, made friends, got stressed, took exams, hated it, and loved it. i graduated. and now, it's like i was never even there. i still feel the estrangement that i felt as a sec 4 during open house. i don't belong here.
i don't even know why i felt that slight undercurrent of hostility, because everyone i talked to was so nice and seemed so glad to see us. maybe it was the students. maybe they resent our presence. reminding them that they're not as old as they were beginning to feel - we are older. maybe they too feel that we have had our time and should now leave them to theirs, without interfering. i don't know.
goodbye, rjc. for two years i was a part of you, and you were proud of me. but maybe i did not realise who you really were.
on now to other things. for school is not the only thing in the world. it is time now to take my mind off rj, orientation, teachers, the library, and so on. it is time to move on.
edit (2112 hrs)
i remember him. i see his face again, his simple, friendly smile in my secret photo memory. his open, honest expression.
how can i not like him?
why do i hurt so much? i never knew him well enough to really love him. why does it still hurt? it has been more than a year.
if i could choose, would i choose to go through this? to hurt, to desire, to hope, to cry, all for nothing? i would. not because i gained anything out of it (except a bitter heartache i would gladly do without), but because (i hope) i can say i have helped him in some way, small as it may be. perhaps my prayers for him, wept out over a silent pillow, earnest and genuine, have been answered. not that i think i could have made much difference anyway, but knowing i may have is enough. maybe i have in a tiny tiny way helped him, through prayer, to find happiness with her, to find satisfaction in his family, to find a place in his school, to find glory and honour and prestige in his scholarship. perhaps.
and as much as i have denied it, to others, and to myself, he is the real reason i wanted to go to stanford. sure it is good. but so is harvard, princeton, duke, etc, etc, and i didn't even bother about those places.
i miss him. i know that i can never be good enough to ever have the priviledge of being in the same school as he again. and it hurts that i know others who do not know him who ARE going to stanford. it hurts that i will not have the chances they have to interact with him. to walk around the quad with him. to be his friend.
i wish i could be his friend.
i guess this is all for the best. because he has an amazing girlfriend, someone i could never hope to be like. and if i DID have the chance to go to stanford, and be his friend.. it wouldn't be enough. better to be torn away now, when the pain is less.
it doesn't feel much less.
i am sure he is not the last guy i will like. but right now, it feels as if there isn't any point in loving another man... because nobody can compare to him. (and i'm not just saying this because i like him.) and it wouldnt be fair to the other man if i kept finding him inferior to the dream i once had.
oh, beautiful, beautiful person. i miss you. i wish.. i wish.. i wish for so many things..
but wishes remain only wishes.