this is new territory

August 11, 2014 Monday - 22:35

You break my heart. I cry, not for you, but for me and for everything I will never have, everything I will never be.

You asked me, what ambition do I have? Where do I want to go? When really, all I want to do is be free and escape this universe of pain.

I wish I met you earlier. I wish I were better, smarter, nicer, kinder, so maybe I could deserve someone like you.

In your kindness, I see the face of God. And I want so desperately to be held in His arms, the only place I can belong.

Until then, I will never know happiness or peace. And love only brings pain. It hurts, everything hurts, and it feels like it will never stop hurting. The pain goes away, for a while, but it always returns.

And the pain is a prison that wraps me in fear. I cannot see beyond its dark walls. I cannot imagine a life free of it. Only moments, stolen, where I forget how to feel. I think, I am normal, I can be happy and productive and full of life. But the pain always returns, and when it does, it reminds me that this is where i really come from, and where I always return.

No one on earth can save me, not even you. Maybe you just make it worse, with your kindness and comfort, because you let me imagine a life free of pain. But in the end, it always comes down to this - me in tears, curled up in bed, trying to ride it out, unable to bear it.

so let's stop, because i don't want to know, and i don't want to hurt.

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