August 19, 2001, Sunday - 01:28
i had a dream last night. i liked it.
if you've watched gundam wing, it's a japanese anime, good for you. i was like one of the boys, and we were in a safe house and were going on a mission. it was that sort of scenario. (if you haven't watched it, never mind.)
anyway, i was sick, as in, terminally ill, or something. i can't really remember. but i would have been a hindrance to my friends. so i asked one of them to kill me.
i think at this point i was semi-lucid, as in, i knew that somehow whatever i thought would influence the actions of whatever was going on around me. so anyway this friend who was going to kill me, he or she was able to shoot some sort of blue flame from his hand.. and that was how i wanted to die. i could just see myself flying backwards with the force of the fire and crashing into the wall, and i remember thinking how beautiful that would be.
i could see the flames around me as i hit the wall. i could feel them. but it wasn't hot or painful or anything, it was cold and only slightly uncomfortable.
well i kind of liked that, so i thought something like "let's do that again!" so my dream started over from where i asked my friend to kill me. i was sitting on the floor looking at his feet, and then all of a sudden this other friend, a girl i know from school comes and begs me not to die. and i'm all like "you can't stop me, i want to die anyway." i wasn't trying to be morbid or anything. it was just the truth.
so he blasted me again. and i remember thinking how i should at least make the effort to pretend i was in pain, so i kind of writhed around on the ground a little.
cut to some time later. they've all either left or are leaving, i don't remember which. i am, of course, staying in the flat, because i've been flamed and am going to die shortly. someone is with me, 'holding me tenderly in his arms'. (that's in inverted commas because it's so damned cliched.) i hope it was the guy i like.
and someone says something ludicrous, like how there isn't any food left for me, but there is a saucepan. and i don't care, because i'm going to die anyway, and besides i'm trying to lose weight, and besides the-guy-i-like is here with me.
it was a nice dream, because it involved so many nice things i didn't manage to convey with my description. like sacrifice. helplessness. sad, scared, pleading eyes looking in a general upwards direction. and - most important - beauty.
i like beauty.
well, that was a useless, rambling post. but what the heck, this is what the diary is for isn't it?