eat your heart out

July 21 2002 - 00:33

thanks everyone.. esp reiuchan.. *glomp*

"how many times have you been pushed around

is anybody there

does anybody care


oh, life is waiting for you

it's all messed up but we're alive

oh, life is waiting for you

it's all messed up but we'll survive..."

- our lady peace "life"

i'm going to mess around a bit with the page today >.< i should be studying. but i don't care. i've given up on uploading other art.. everything is just going to be oekaki. so sue me.

you know that song that goes "you could be so happyyyyy... if you got somebody to love.." that's just crap. love is but pain.

bah. *grumpy wildflowers look*

- 1137 hrs - sunday - august 11

music: our lady peace

- + - + - + -

the 40-day fast is over. i lost weight. *sarcastic* yay.

i don't want to break fast. EVER.

i just feel like dying. right now. i cut myself again a couple days ago. and i wanna cut again tonight. i wanna slit my wrist with abandon, and watch the blood run. i want to be empty.

i want to die. my life is useless is pointless. all i am is a burden. i just want to die.

i wish i was stronger, i wish i felt no pain, i wish i felt nothing.

is there anyone at all out there? does anyone hear me? please, if you are reading this.. mail me.. tell me i am not alone.. or something..

i just want to die..

- 0054 hrs - saturday - august 10

music: box car racer

- + - + - + -

i need to be more productive. but it is late and i am tired. i need to study. i need to study.

i can do it. i must do it.

will friday never come?!?

- 0045 hrs - tuesday - august 6

music: hamasaki ayumi

- + - + - + -

my sister is baking an oreo cheesecake.. i can smell it... i feel like crying.. heh.

- 1135 hrs - saturday - july 27

music: shingo mama :P

- + - + - + -


what have i done? now somebody knows who should not know. i feel violated, raped. somebody knows who does not care. i am vulnerable, uncertain.

i do not know how to behave any more. perhaps it is best if i pretend nothing has happened.

somebody knows i am a mess who should think i am perfect. somebody has seen who should have been blind.

my life it is the same still. but the world it exists in is different now.

i don't know what i wanted... and i got it. why?!?! WHY the *#(#$ did i open my damn mouth?!?! to that person, no less. why did i not tell someone else.. him.. or her.. or her... anyone at all but that person? why am i so dumb?

somebody knows who does not, cannot, will never, understand.

- 0023 hrs - friday - july 26

music: smashing pumpkins

- + - + - + -

i was pissed and stressed and frustrated so i went shopping today. i bought:

short sleeved tops (3)

long sleeved tops (1)

tube tops (1)

pairs of socks (2)

drinks (4)

wallets (1)

purses (1)

water bottles (1)

packets of sweets (2)

loaves of bread (1)

packets of roasted chestnuts (1)

mirrors (1)

combs (1)

mars bars (1)

hairclips (4)

packets of tissue (6)

leather thongs (1)

bags (1)

i think that's it. (the numbers are the quantity of the things i bought). obviously the food is not for me.

but i am still feeling... *bleah*. i want to watch a sad tv show or have someone do something bad to me or something.. so that i will have a REASON for feeling this way.

- 2126 hrs - sunday - july 21

music: sasaki yuko

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